Now What? Things To Do While Waiting For The Results.

Watch TV, but only news channels. That way, you’ll get really ramped up as the votes come in. Be sure to wear soft wool gloves, though, so when you hit your forehead in disgust or happiness, you won’t hurt yourself.

Watch TV, but only the non-news cable channels. That way you’ll have an uneventful day until your neighbor calls in disgust, “I don’t believe it! Do you believe that crap? I don’t believe it! Who would ever believe it!”

Spend all day on Amazon. Spend money you don’t have on things you’ll never need, things that are so unpractical, so un-you, but also things you’ve craved all your life: the second convertible, yet another TV, a new dog, a lake house… the kind of thing you’d only buy if you knew tomorrow would never come. Then when it does come and the worst happens, you have a second reason to go home, jump into bed, turn the electric blanket to number 9, and assume the pre-natal position.

(Or your guy wins and you’re ecstatic, you can send them all back to Amazon with a note from your psychiatrist.)

Call every one of your neighbors whom you have insulted during political arguments and grovel for their forgiveness. Whoever wins, you’ll still be welcome at neighborhood pizza parties.

Invite your neighbors to drop all their yard signs in your front yard, then, after the polls have closed, light them into a big bonfire and have a marshmallow roasting party. 

Spend the day writing letters asking for forgiveness to Biden voters and Trump voters. Sign the Biden letters with names of neighbors who supported Trump and the Trump letters with names of neighbors who supported Biden. Enjoy watching them start fighting all over again at the pizza party.

Stream Netflix movies all day.

Watch kids shows on PBS all day.

Listen to classical music all day. No matter how boring, stay with it. Your ears will thank you.

Listen to Country and Western music all day… Wait! No. That music is sad enough, listen to it after the results if your candidate loses.

Clean the house, top to bottom. Although I’ve never done it, I hear it helps when the world is falling apart.

Work out, starting early in the morning. Don’t stop. When the winner is announced you won’t care; you’ll be asleep.

Start drinking, early. Don’t stop. When the winner is announced you won’t care; you’ll be asleep.

Go down to the Passport office and apply for a new one or extend your old one. That way you’ll be ready to escape the country if your guy loses, or go on a celebratory vacation if he wins.

Buy all four books of The Invention Hunters series. And read them. They’re short and explain things you’ve never understood before, things you should know but don’t – like how a toilet works. It’ll take your mind off less important things, like politics, and focus on really important things, like… toilets – and they’re absolutely brilliantly written and illustrated.

Watch every one of the 27 James Bond movies. At an average of 90 minutes each, that’s 40 hours, almost two days. At the end of that time, you’ll have a British accent and can emigrate to England if your guy loses.

Write your own personal memoire. If you’re like me it shouldn’t take long. Use the rest of the time begging your friends and family to read it.

Watch TV all day, all night, as long as you want, without seeing a single political ad!

Read Facebook, Twitter, etc  all day without seeing a single political comment…Just kidding!

Hop a plane to New Zealand and never worry about the US again.

(If you like this, pass it on. If you don't, pass it on anyway. Why should you suffer alone?)