Several benches ring a small tree lined meadow. Sitting at one of the benches is a man, not an old man, not particularly good looking man, not particularly stylish man. In fact, the kind of man people forget once they pass the bench. Near the man, with a leash trailing on the ground near the bench is a dog, not an old dog, not a particularly good looking dog, not a particularly stylish dog, the kind of dog people forget once they pass the bench.
Dog: See that guy? He’s about to fall asleep. Which means I won’t get to walk for the next half hour, if that.
Man: See that dog? All he wants to do is walk. You’d think, at his age, he’d want to enjoy the spring weather. But N-o-o-o-o. Gotta walk!
The man gets up. The dog gets up. The man grabs the leash and heads out. The dog runs in front, pulling on the leash. Then, just as the man matches his pace, the dog stops to sniff, almost tipping the man head over teakettle. The man groans.
Dog: I mean why come to the park if you can’t sniff stuff. How else will you know if any other dogs have been here? Not to mention cats, birds, squirrels. A dog has to be careful. We never know when another dog – or cat or fox or bird or human – is going to attack.
Man: I mean I’ve known this dog pretty much all his life. I take him to the park and he starts sniffing everything in sight and pulling me along with him. And then he suddenly yanks me backward to sniff something he missed. As though there’s a difference between the grass around a bench and… um, the grass around that tree.
Dog: Uh Oh. There’s another bench. Will he stop and rest? Please, no! …Whew!
Man: If that dog doesn’t stop pulling me…!
Dog: He needs exercise because he’s old. So, my job – one of many, by the way – is to take him on long walks. I could do 10 miles, but I don’t want to kill him… that would be the end of any walks.
Man: You see, if I don’t take him for a walk at least once a day, he gets lethargic, eats less and – I don’t know – dies earlier? In nature, they say wolves and foxes do 10 miles a day. So a mile or two worn’t hurt him. Plus he gets to sniff things. Sniffing is his aphrodisiac.
Dog: Humans are really handicapped in many ways. For example, they make all these stinky things – food, dead clothes, bathrooms, perfume (ee-yuck!)- most of which they can’t even smell. Nature can be very kind.
Man: I’ve always wondered why dogs smell so much. I know they have better noses than humans, but so what? I’m pretty sure he sniffs everything to show me how mediocre my nose is. Like he can find where another dog peed and, just from the smell, know the dog. Then, he pees on top of the other dog’s pee. Then another dog comes by and pees on his pee and… ad infinitem. Stupid macho stuff. I grew out of being macho in my…um…50’s.
Just then a woman with a golden retriever approaches.
Dog: Uh Oh! Big dog! 12 O’clock! Coming our way! Uh Oh! Time to bark! Gotta warn my human! I have to! I have to! He could take him down in two seconds!
Dog barks. Man reprimands.
Man: See, this is what I hate about walking this dog. He barks at every other dog. The bigger the dog, the louder he barks. That Golden? He’s as mellow as basket of junior mints. And the woman is too. And cute. They just breezed by us. Dammit!
Dog. You’d think he’d be grateful! But Oh No. He just makes all these loud sounds at me! Doesn’t he know I don’t speak human! What an ungrateful… I mean I scared that yellow killer off! By myself!
They walk home. The man gives the dog a treat, then sinks into the couch with a glass of water. The dog circles on the rug 5-10 times before collapsing with his treat.
Man: He can be a pain, but he tries. And what a great buddy for a daily walk.
“Good dog!”
Dog: He can be a pain, but he tries. And what a great buddy for a daily walk.
“Good man!”