I don’t remember when I first heard the Friday after Thanksgiving being referred to as “Black Friday”, but it scared the stuffing out of me. Did it mean stores were going to fold? Did it mean Christmas was cancelled? It sure didn’t sound good.
Then I found out that the “Black” in “Black Friday” referred, not to “Black Ops” or “Blackout”, but to stores going from losing money (“in the red’) to making profits (“in the black”). That was a good thing!
(Of course it still boggles my mind that a store can operate at a loss for 10 months and three weeks before making a profit.)
Recently I learned that “Black Friday” no longer even refers to the Friday after Thanksgiving. In fact, it no longer refers to any Friday. It now refers to all the days of the week – starting a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving..
What?
Yes! It’s as though Thanksgiving no longer exists. Zoom! Phiit! Goodbye Turkey day!
Whoa!
Nowadays, the biggest holiday of the year is Halloween. Even so, for several years now, stores have been featuring Christmas gifts and encouraging Christmas shopping before Halloween. In October. Wow!
But wait! It may be worse than that. Those poor goblins and ghosts are being ghosted! So, what happens to Trick-or-Treators?
Do they Trick-or-Treat on Halloween or start haranguing Mommy and Daddy for Christmas presents?
Does this mean the end of Halloween as we know it?
And what does that do to Thanksgiving? Does it get shoved aside like Washington was when they started calling his birthday President’s Day?
And what of Christmas, itself?! If we’re moving Black Friday to before Thanksgiving and turning Halloween into the first shopping day of Christmas, does that mean that Christmas will be moved to November 25th, and crash headlong into Thanksgiving?
OMG! Who is deliberately moving every holiday back!
Will this be the end of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Will it be the beginning “Thankmas”? Will “Thankmas” include a tree with lights, fake snow, and bells? Will we sing “Thankmas” carols and have turkey cookies? Will Santa wear a turkey suit? Will Scrooge humbug the cranberry sauce?
What will I tell my kids? What will I tell my grandkids? What will I tell Santa’s elves? What will I tell Pilgrims and Native Americans?
Something very nefarious is going on…
Oh! Oh! I’ve figured it out. It’s the Gen X-ers and Millennials. They can’t wait their turn the way every generation before them has. They are trying to shorten the year so they will get older faster and be able to move Baby Boomers into old folks homes earlier.
They’ll tell us that climate change is to blame, that it has shortened winter, pretty much raced through spring and fall, and lengthened summer. They’ll say the year is only 11 months long now – and blame it on climate change.
I never trusted them anyway. Anyone who can converse with their thumbs instead of their tongue is not to be trusted.
OK. This is serious, Mr. and Mrs. Older Americans. Time to fight back.
Resist. Refuse to buy Christmas presents until after Thanksgiving. When Thanksgiving does come, invite the Gen Xers and Millennials over for dinner and celebrate it like it was 1621 all over again. Watch football like you’ll never see another game. Savor your pumpkin pie.
And then pull a fast one. Tell them they are the true reason for Thanksgiving. Tell them the young of every generation are what older generations give thanks for. Tell them it’s because they’re good-looking, and nice and smart. Butter them up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Whatever you do, don’t ever admit the real reason you’re happy they’re here. Don’t even hint at how much you’re looking forward to having someone else shovel snow and take out the garbage. Avoid any reference to how hard you’ve worked and how happy you are to have them pay more taxes and make the hard decisions in life.
Just look at them adoringly. Smile and start talking about Santa Clause and the joys of Christmas and how many presents you’re going to get them.
And then, as you usher them out the door with stories of New Years Eve celebrations and wishes for a wonderful new year, give them your favorite Thanksgiving Cheer:
Happy Thanksgiving, Turkeys!