The Happiness Insurance Company

I just paid another insurance bill, this one for flood insurance. My house isn’t in a flood plain, but you can never be too careful, what with Global Warming  – oops! Climate Change – and all. I paid the Al Gore Climate Change Insurance Company.

OK. No, I didn’t. 

But Al should have opened the Al Gore Climate Change Insurance Company instead of spending all that money on his 2006 documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. It got a lot of press, but didn’t change minds in Washington. Big oil saw to that. 

But he sure was right. As I write this, the entire middle of the country is gasping from tornadoes and floods.  And more to come.

Insurance is a great way of taking care of a disasters like tornadoes. Or fire. That’s why Benjamin Franklin invented it, because of house fires. His credo was “one for all and all for one”, where risk was spread throughout a big group. 

Today’s insurance companies have a different credo: “we take as much of your money as we can and then do everything legally possible not to give it back to you”.

It’s a different country from Ben’s time. We make money, not friends, regardless of what it does to the planet or ourselves. 

But wouldn’t it be nice if we had a different kind of insurance? I’m not thinking of insurance for normal things, like car accidents or healthcare or hurricanes and tornadoes. 

That’s useful, but well, not fun. 

Imagine insurance for something much better. Imagine insurance for happiness. For example: 

Happy Marriage Insurance: If your marriage hits the rocks, you could get paid weekends with discrete dalliance partners, or, for salvageable relationships, six packs of Yuengling and decks of risque playing cards. 

Happy Childhood Insurance: If your child doesn’t have a happy childhood, we’d either replace you as parents or pay your kids thousands of dollars, which they could use for therapy, divorce settlements, or criminal defense attorneys. 

Happy Pet Insurance: This includes help finding the perfect horse, dog, cat, or bird. If they don’t turn out to be cuddly and affectionate, if they ignore house training or eat the couch pillows, we will repair all damaged goods and find a graveyard for the pet. 

Happy Love Life Insurance: If your love dumps you, you get a replacement of approximately the same sex, age, attractiveness level, and IQ – at absolutely no cost; however, your premium increases each time the replacement clause is exercised. We make money by replacing your love with a reject from another insured couple, kind of like when insurance companies repair your car with used parts. Win-Win, right?

Happy Job Insurance: Unlike Worker’s Comp or similar programs, this guarantees you a fulfilling job with a fair and reasonable boss, no backstabbing co-workers, and a really nice desk. It’s expensive, but what in life isn’t? And we are wildly successful. No pressure here, but Jeff Bezos was our first client; the head of Sears turned down this policy.

Happy Old Age Insurance:  This is not just another Social Security program. Or Medicare. Or any of those old-fashioned policies. Nope. This is about making sure your old age is your best age!  It guarantees lots of laughter, love, friends, trips (if you like them), visits from the kids (if you like them) and constant good health. 

Happy Car Insurance: Unlike most car insurance, this makes sure you’re happy with your car. If you get tired of, say, the way it smells after a long ride with the almost-potty-trained kids, we’ll provide cleaning services. If the thrill of peeling out from a stoplight fades for you, we’ll get you a Porsche. If that back seat no longer entices the two of you to the drive-in, we’ll replace the car with a small condo in Hawaii. We want you happy!

Happy Insurance Insurance: This is the guarantee that you’ll love our insurance. For a small percentage of each of your policies, we’ll provide a monthly review by one of our highly trained agents who will analyze you and your “happiness quotient” with our policies. If the analysis shows problems with you or your attitude, all happiness policies will be cancelled immediately. Not to brag, but we have no existing records of a “happiness quotient” below “deliriously gleeful”.

The Happiness Insurance Company, a revolutionary, winning idea.

And you thought you couldn’t buy happiness.

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