Hurray! The 2018 Election is over!

I feel like I just took my first bath in months. With soap and deodorant.

It feels like the sun came out, like winter has turned to spring, like there’s enough money in my bank account. It feels like my kids like me again, like the house doesn’t need cleaning, like I went to a bar and the best looking girl in the place smiled and bought me a drink.

All things previously impossible are suddenly possible. I haven’t felt that way in months.

In the interests of becoming a fully informed voter, I set up four TV’s in my living room: Fox, MSNBC, CNN and, occasionally PBS. I’d watch all of them at the same time. So, when Fox’s Tucker Carlson or Sean Hannity or Jeanine Pirro fawned over Trump, I could quickly get the opposite from MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow or Joe Scarborough or Larry O’Donnell – followed by CNN’s more middle-of-the-road Wolf Blitzer, or Wolf Blitzer or Wolf Blitzer. PBS was for intervals of sanity when the others became too circus-like.

And vice versa, vice versa, vice versa.

PBS offered comparatively dull news. But, hey, facts can be really dull when they’re not puffed up with OMG! delivery and “breaking news” headlines.

Still, I tried to follow it all. And did, for the most part. Everyone was voting for Trump, except those who were voting against Trump. See, I boil things down to their basic components.

Then there were those who didn’t vote. But this time, I couldn’t find any. It’s like no one had anything to do on Tuesday, so they all went out and voted.  I just have one question: who watched the kids? And who went to work? And who – OK, OK…

Now, with the election over, I can reconfigure all four TV sets to where they were before: on NFL football games. I’d far rather watch 300 pound men bashing heads than listen to a politician try to lie without getting caught. More blood, but more honesty, too. And football players follow rules, which is nice. I wish elections had referees, don’t you?

How about all those for sale signs in all those yards! Who knew so many politicians were trying to sell their houses? And who knew politicians owned so many houses? I always thought Republicans were smart, but boy, are they going to make a fortune in real estate.

Although the Democrats have invested heavily, too. I guess the winners will be decided by which party profits the most from the election.

Wow! I can read the newspapers again. And books. And listen to podcasts.

I am especially grateful for the return of pharmaceutical ads to TV news. I knew, years ago, that TV was becoming an old person’s medium and that I am – uh – know one.

I used to resent those ads, because they kept reminding me that every ache or pain was a sign of imminent death. But now, after learning from politicians how close my town, my county, my state and the country are to imminent death, my aches and pains seem – well – patriotic.

And, I don’t want to leave out all those car ads I’ve had to do without over the last few months. It’s like the return of long lost friends: “ If you don’t buy a new car from us, you paid too much!” and “Credit problems? Come see us!”

Not to mention beer ads, insurance ads, clothing ads… Oh Boy! Diversity is back in advertising!

Yep, I am on a better path now that the election is over. I can start talking to my family again. Maybe my daughter will forgive me for the way I voted. (I didn’t tell her who I voted for, but she’s very intuitive).

Life is good now that the 2018 campaigns are over. Well, until the 2020 Presidential campaign starts.

Tomorrow.

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