I’m not sure, and this is tentative, being based on the way things are today (as opposed to tomorrow), so I may change my mind down the road, because that’s the nature of these decisions, but I think I’m going to decide soon about my candidacy for President in 2020.
That is, I’m pretty sure.
As for my qualifications, well, first of all, I’m over 35, even though my youthful good looks make that hard to believe. Fact is, I like to think of myself as over-35 in wisdom, but under-35 in terms of symbiosis with millennials and generation Z-ers. I have kids in both those age groups and I H-E-A-R you, guys!
That’s the mark of a good politician, right? Time for the oldsters to move over, right? Let’s give some room to the people we’ve been paying so much to educate all these years, right? Am I right on this? Am I? Right?
So, while I like you, Joe Biden and your adorable “Favorite Uncle” thing, it’s clear you’re no longer qualified, because you are O.O.D. (Out Of Date). You may have bearing and the dignity of an earlier time. You may have revered old ethics like: telling the truth, respecting others and debating issues not nicknames.
But you have a fatal flaw, old boy: you can’t go hugging and kissing strangers the way you used to. It may have felt nurturing and caring to you in the good old days of 3-4 years ago. But, hey, that was pre-Harvey Weinstein. It’s a new era and all men are suspect. Strangers just do not put an arm around each other any more, unless they’re taking a selfie.
Speaking of O.O.D, Hey Bernie! What’s with half-bald and half-white hair? It shows your age. Die it, blow-dry it, sweep fake hair over the bald part. And poof it! You can’t be President with non-poofy hair.
If you don’t know enough to go to a men’s salon and get a professional dye job like half the guys in Congress, then you don’t know government. I, for example, have just a touch of white in my hair – enough to show real wisdom – but not so much it buries my infectious and youthful vigor.
And, as a candidate, I have real hands-on experience. I was the President of my town Council for ten years. Sure it’s not a big town and the entire government can fit into the Manager’s Office, but in terms of debating and convincing the other Council Members to agree to a new law, the techniques are the same as in DC. We would all go to a local bar and hash out the particulars over a few pitchers of beer, offered free by the bar tender. (Just kidding. Two members once wanted to accept the free beer, but I refused. See how honest I am?)
I’ve always had moral authority.
And that’s the key here. Moral authority. That’s why I like Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (Dem. NY). She’s got moral authority like me. She chased Sen. Al Franken all the way home to Minnesota for making politically incorrect hand gestures toward a sleeping woman, while he was still a comedian. He may have been a great Senator, but spontaneous playfulness, even in an earlier life, does not pass the Gillibrand test. (Look over here! I’m still talking to you, Joe Biden!).
And, I’m way ahead of Sen. Amy Klobuchar, who was mean to her staff. Of course, I may – once – have been a little brisk to a camera operator when I was a TV director, but that was LIVE TV and the idiot wasn’t panning fast enough! —and… uh, I mean the football players were running too fast down the field…
I could go through the rest of the Democratic field and illustrate my God given superiority to each of them (Beto is actually an out-of-work actor who once played Jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington”. Elizabeth Warren throws chalk if you don’t pay attention. Booker really is too smart for his own good. And, who is Yang, anyway?). But that’s for later.
And besides, I’m still not sure. I’m a registered Republican and I’m waiting for a groundswell of public opinion.