The Trump Worldwide Network

Few people know this, but President Trump is not a fan of CNN. His reasoning is simple: it “doesn’t do great in” ratings and it is “a powerful voice portraying the United States in an unfair and false way.”

Like all great leaders, he recently decided that something has to be done.

“Something has to be done,” he tweeted Monday, “including the possibility of the United States starting our own Worldwide Network to show the World the way we really are, GREAT!”

And it turned out to be bi-partisan, too! Even the Democrats like the idea. The Democratic Coalition Against Trump called it “wildly popular with dictators around the world.”

Upon learning about this new idea of Trump’s, I had an off-the-record conversation with the as-yet-unnamed CEO of the new network, ex-Fox News Executive Bill Shine. Remember him? He was hired away from Fox News to, as he put it, improve the lighting at Trump press conferences.

Trump wants to name the new network World Wide Trump, in appreciation of World Wide Entertainment entrepreneur Vince McMahon, who turned a fake sport into a huge moneymaker, somewhat like what Trump is doing to the presidency.

They met when Trump fake-assaulted Vince during a 2007 appearance on WWE. Vince was so fake-upset, he fake-fired Trump. Trump was so fake-repentant (it’s the only time he’s been fired, fake or real), he hired Vince’s wife to run the Small Business Administration. And that wasn’t fake.

Yep. If it weren’t for Vince McMahon, fake news would not exist.

Shine outlined some of Trump’s ideas for the new network:

The Trump Travel Channel: this sprightly travelogue will feature visits to Trump properties around the world. It will include holographs of Anthony Bourdain playing golf with Trump and later drinking Trump wine and pigging out on Kentucky Fried Chicken takeout.

60 Trumpian Minutes: This magazine show will feature in-depth investigative stories about Trump’s acts of valor over the years. Several are already in production, including a behind the scenes report of how Trump overcame the terror of impending baldness by designing a new look for testosterone-challenged bald guys.

24/7 Trump News! These 30 minutes news shows will feature Trump quotes of the day, along with personal appearances and insider commentary by Ivanka, Melania, Eric, and Don Jr. It will include uplifting short pieces featuring give-aways of “previously-owned!” Trump T-shirts (in the summer) and Trump sweatshirts (in the winter) to poor people. Every Thanksgiving, Trump will also give the bird to any non-white, non-English speaking, non-Christian, homeless person he can find in his fan base.

Trump’s Big Bang Theory: Although the format is not fully fleshed out, this show will detail stories of Trump conquests of unsuspecting out-of-town girls. The parts of the girls will be played by professional escorts. Trump will play himself.

Young Trump: This heartwarming series will star a young, cute-as-a-button Trump as he runs adorable and brilliant circles around grouchy out-of-touch grownups. Episodes will include the first time he scammed the IRS, his first taste of fast-food, and the first lie he ever told (in that show the part of young Trump will be played by a newborn).

Game of Trumps: This series will be based on the Trump family’s successes: starting with outsmarting immigrant tenants in Trump buildings in Queens, to mastering the art of money-laundering around the world, to applying mob tactics to politics.

Mr. Trump’s Neighborhood: This heartwarming show is aimed at children only. Mr. Trump, wearing an unassuming cardigan and sitting on a brownstone stoop, talks to kids in a loving, fatherly tone. He teaches them some of life’s important lessons: how lie to your parents, friends, and teachers; the importance of never admitting a mistake and never apologizing; the need to personally attack anyone who questions you; the fact that rules and integrity are made for losers; and, above all the requirement of absolute loyalty to Mr. Donald.

I asked Bill (we were on a first named basis by then) if I could interview Trump about the new network. He said Trump liked me so much, he would do more than that: he would write, not just the answers, but the questions too, and then send them to me as soon as he has finished the Mueller interview.

(If you like this, pass it on. If you don't, pass it on anyway. Why should you suffer alone?)