Braking news from the FEC

The FEC (Federal Election Commission) has asked the FDA’s (Food and Drug Administration) help in putting the brakes on the unintended physical and mental health consequences from the November 6 election. From now on, warning labels inspired by FDA drug warnings will be added to five parts of the election process: 1) cable, tv, and radio ads, 2) campaign rallies, 3) bulk email, direct mail, and robo calls, 4) voting places, and 5) all actual ballots.

This new set of labels results from the increase in fights, antipathy, and hurt feelings engendered by all those lies and attack ads about candidates (who we could easily name, but which courtesy and a sense of fairness precludes us from doing … but boy could we name names, Elizabeth Warren and Donald Trump!)

These warning messages will be apolitical and focused on prevention versus cure.

Below are some of the labels being considered.

1) For campaign cable, tv, and radio ads:

“View or read only after a good night’s sleep. Do not view alone if taking anti-depressants, in an acrimonious relationship, or seeing a therapist more than once a week – as you might experience sudden and extreme bouts of virulent anger, depression and/or panic. When viewing alone, one must be seated and far away from knives, tazers, or Hari Kari swords. If approached by a canvasser, do not – repeat, do not – shoot on sight or on site. Do not yell or threaten; these people are simply some of your neighbors after the Kool-Aid party. Instead, lock the door and call the nearest campaign abuse counselor at 1-666-Vote (that’s for those of you who read).”

2) For campaign rallies:

“This rally is sponsored by the following candidates and everyone who pays them off:  (Candidate names go here______________.) People with high IQ’s will be refused admittance. Ditto those with critical thinking skills. For your own safety, full body searches of all attendees are mandatory.After the rally, all confiscated campaign tools, such as knives, guns, or nasty placards will be returned for a fee.

3) For bulk email, direct mail, yard signs, and robo calls:

“Please do not read or listen to these political messages if you drink a lot or are new to marijuana products.  Do not read or listen unless fully dressed (although not common, there have been known instances of people who, after too much exposure to political messages, strip naked and run outside, screaming political obscenities at total strangers). If you must scream obscenities, please do so inside and without removing any clothing.”

4) For voting places:

“To all who enter here, please be advised: politics is not a science; it is an art – of lying. Most politicians lie – legally, of course – because: everyone-wants-what-they-want-which-politicians-can’t-give-so-they-lie-which-makes-everything-ok-because-everyone-thinks-they-got-what-they-wanted-even-though-they-didn’t. Bad politicians tell tons of really horrible lies and promote what’s good for themselves and those who keep them in power. Good politicians tell nicer lies in order to do what’s right for their constituents. Unfortunately, in our system, it’s hard to differentiate between the two. It’s not fair, but hey, neither is life.”

5) For the voting booth:

“Each ballot will be in the shape of a dart board, with names of candidates arranged according to the office to which they aspire. The voter will be given an electronic dart for each elected office. Republican and Democrat representatives will –together, so there’s no hanky panky – place a blindfold securely over the voter’s eyes and then, to ensure voter privacy, leave the booth. On the command “Ready! Set! Vote!” the voter will blindly throw the electronic darts at the dartboard, one at a time or altogether, according to personal preference. The darts will register electronically on a master computer built in China and monitored by Russia. The results will be reported to the FEC, which will, without comment, forward them to FOX News which will, being fair and balanced, report them to the public.”

Ok, we were just kidding about the voting booth section. In reality you will get a ballot that says: “Hey, the system isn’t great, but it’s the best we have. So just stop complaining, hold your nose, and vote.”

Sincerely, Your Federal Election Commissioners.

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