Year: 2021

Following recent attacks by Rep. Liz Cheney (R,- Wyoming) on the Big Lie about the election, and reiterating that skillful lying is the future of the Republican Party, Representative Kevin McCarthy announced today a new “Master Class in Lying”. The course is designed to train Republicans to lie imaginatively, effortlessly, and with purity of purpose. 

He broke the program into 5 categories: 1) The Big Lie, 2) Embellishing the Big Lie), 3) Lying about Lying, 4) Lying just to troll reporters, and 5) Lying because we can; we’re out of high school!

The Master instructor will be announced once Facebook reconsiders.

To show Republicans followers the effectiveness of lying succinctly and with a straight face, McCarthy checked all 5 categories immediately following his Wednesday meeting with President Biden at the White House with one master sentence: “I don’t think anybody is questioning the legitimacy of the presidential election.” 

Reporters immediately called their editors for guidance on whether to call that a “Lie”, an “Untruth”, a “Fabrication”, or an “Allegation”.  

“Who cares! Run it now!” The editors said. “We need clicks and eyeballs. Biden is boring.”

McCarthy’s announcement triggered enthusiastic applications from promising young House Republicans.

Among them: 

Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz.), who had been blamed by his own family for helping incite the January 6 attack on the Capitol, nailed #1 by saying the rioters were “peaceful patriots” who had been “harassed”  by Federal Law Enforcement.

Rep. Andrew Clyde (R- Ga) qualified for #2 with “there was no insurrection” and  the video from that day looked like “a normal tourist visit.”

Rep. Buddy Carter (R-Ga) got a standing “O” on #3 by saying The Big Lie wasn’t about the Insurrection at all; it was Biden talking about bipartisanship.

All three got into the first Master Class.

Some Republicans have, sad to say, simply not met the high standards of admission to the Master Class.

Mitt Romney was barred from even applying.

Liz Cheney, daughter of ex-VP Cheney was deemed unteachable for blaming the (soon-to-be-named) Master for the attack on the Capital. She reacted like the spoiled elitist she is with this childish comment: “We must go forward based on truth. We cannot both embrace the big lie and embrace the Constitution”.

Then she killed any chance of reapplying next year with, “Remaining silent and ignoring the lie emboldens the liar.”  

“They’re hugging and kissing the police and the guards, you know…”, said the Master.

Meanwhile McCarthy aides were enthusiastically recruiting students from Georgia, Arizona, Arkansas, Texas, Florida, Pennsyltuckey, and Upstate New York.

That old evil VP Dick Cheney’s daughter, Liz, is in the center spotlight shooting at the lies our Former President (FP) and carnival barker as his supporters yell about the election. 

And stodgy Romney is supporting her. 

What do you know: Republicans with backbone! And integrity!  Who’d a thunk it? 

Meanwhile FP is an ex-cheerleader without a megaphone, trying to get disinterested fans back into the stands. 

My only real worry is that Facebook and others might return his megaphone in 6 months. It’s a tough call: we cherish free speech, but with FP’s 30,000 lies over 4 years, does free speech now include free lies?

Democratic leaders, Biden, Pelosi, and Schumer are shooting money at the people in the stands, like confetti from a cannon, while pretending refugees aren’t trying to get into the show without a ticket.

Meanwhile Hawley, Greene, Cruz, Jordan and others are out in the parking lot trying to gin up FP fans by attacking anyone who disputes FP.

FP subalterns like Rudy Guiliani, Mike Pillow-Guy, and other psycho-sycophants are being sued almost as much as FP himself and for the same thing – The Big Lie.

Tucker Carson is screaming from the Fox box about Democrats trying to replace white voters with black and brown voters in an effort to destroy our democracy.

While Democrats in the cheap seats are screaming that Republicans are blocking black and brown voters in an effort to destroy democracy.

It’s like cats being herded by – I don’t know – other cats?

Dumb, huh?

But wait. None of these people are dumb. OK, maybe FP, but, if so, he’s dumb like a Fox host.  

So what’s going on?

And why so much anger?

The answer: fear. Fear begets anger as surely as sex begets babies.

This country was founded by what Penn Sociologist Digby Baltzell called White Anglo Saxon Protestants, or WASPs. WASP men came here from Europe and imported African American slaves. Waves of other immigrants followed, from the Asians and Irish in the late 1800’s to Italians and Jews in the 1900’s to Central and South Americans, Mexicans, and Asians again in the 2000’s. 

A bit simplified, to be sure, but these immigrants strengthened the country as they moved up the ladder from poverty to prosperity. 

With each wave of immigrants, WASP men lost a little control, culturally and politically. Until recently that loss was reasonably subtle because it involved WASP men being replaced by other white men (usually Catholic or Jewish) for the most part.  

But more recently three other groups have demanded a space on the ladder: women, Asians (again? Yes! I know, I know) and brown and black people. And non-whites are growing, from a little less than 40% of the population now, to over 50% by 2045.

“Holy Shoot!” (Yes. I know, I know).

Wasp males lost primary power over culture and politics starting in the 1950’s. Now all whites are facing the same threat. Loss of power.

And recently, when white males, particularly non-affluent ones, look down the ladder, there aren’t as many rungs between them and the ground. Even worse, the lower rungs aren’t always guaranteed to have non-whites on them.

So white males are scared.

Enter FP. He didn’t invent racism; he just took advantage of the fear if provoked. He didn’t invent right wing conservatism (remember, he was a liberal before he was a conservative); he just took advantage of the fear it provoked – and encouraged it to the point of insurrection on Jan 6.

Which really scares the other half of the country: the non-conservatives.

We’re at a crossroads, culturally and politically. Do we fight for what seems inevitable: the growing diversification of our culture? Or do we resist diversification and fight for the old order?

Whichever side you choose, it’s scary. And that’s the real worry. Fear begets anger. And anger begets a real shoot show.

Those supporting a society of mixed races want the country to continue in that direction. Those supporting a white-controlled culture, want a return to the old way. It’s all about who has the power.

Either way, we are all at a crossroads and that is quite scary – for all of us. 

I, for one, am totally in favor of Biden’s announcement about cutting our carbon emissions in half by 2030. Imagine the benefits!

The sound of a motorcycles, like Harleys, revving up next to you at a stop sign – gone.

The sound of two Harleys crackling and spitting down a bucolic country road – gone.

The sound of hundreds of Harley’s threatening the eardrums of beachside vacationers – gone.

And because the Harley growl will be gone, all those bearded, bandanna-headed, pot-bellied, leather-wearing men will have lost their threatening, get-out-of-my-space persona. Instead they will just be overweight, out-of-shape has-beens trying to look macho. Instead of tough guys, they will be called arti-farts.

Thanks to Biden, that earsplitting Harley roar will disappear, replaced by the sound of birds, wind, water and other natural sounds that most people can only read about. 

The same thing can be said of 18 wheelers and Corvettes, Mustangs and motorboats, all lawn mowers, leaf blowers or snowplows.

Imagine airports whose only sounds are “whoosh!!”

Imagine a weekend morning in which you can sleep late without the neighbor’s gasoline powered something rattling your brain…well, those of you without little kids or puppies. 

Biden is excited about reduced carbon emissions; I’m excited by reduced noise emissions.

While you’re at it, imagine walking down a street in New York – or any major city – without inhaling gas and diesel fumes. 

Imagine motorcycles, motor scooters, taxis, cars, and trucks and trains whizzing by and leaving nothing in their wake except breathable air.

Hey, as long as we’re in the city, imagine no more soot! Imagine the Empire State in New York, the Tribune Tower in Chicago, or any classic building in any city in the country looking as pristine as they did when they first went up in the 1920’s or 30’s. In the last few years, the city of Philadelphia spent a fortune cleaning the exterior of City Hall. Imagine that money going to, I don’t know, improving the schools, instead. 

On the other hand, without engine noise, who would know when that line of Hell’s Angel was about to plow you under? Who would know why Corvettes were so cool? Who would know when it was time to get up on a Saturday? 

Plus, without loud diesel or gas-powered engines, what would drown out rap or rock music?

Oh yeah. And then there’s Climate Change and survival of mankind, not to mention the Earth itself.

Two steps forward and one step back, right?

In a joint announcement today, Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin announced an end to their conflicts with the US.

“Da. We were heading toward another ‘Cold War’”, said Putin, “but fortunately never got there due to actions by the US.”

“Most assuredly!”, said Xi. “their recent activities have made this a safer world.”

“We no longer have to plot secret ways to kill Americans,” said a stern Putin, shirtless astride a white horse in the snow-covered tundra. “They are killing themselves.”

“Most sincerely!”, said Xi, in a crisp black suit with matching tie and matching hair. “America is up to one mass killing a week, now. And that doesn’t include all those onesies and twosies in cities and towns across that great land – every day now!”

“Of course, they did take advantage of our technology with AK-47’s”, said Putin.

“And the availability of our cheap AK-47 and other knockoffs”, said Xi with a smile.”America has 400 million guns now, more than it has people!”

“We do not even have to cyber attack their electric grid any more,” offered Putin. “They did it all themselves this winter. I’ve always loved Texans. Yippy Kayoo!” 

He slapped his thigh, causing the horse to rear up and snort. Two body guards quickly pulled XI aside. Neither his hair nor his smile were affected.

“And”, said Xi, “our spies don’t even have to divide and conquer. The Donald has done that for us!”

“Nyet!”, said Putin. “What about our work on Facebook and other social media! Look at all those Americans who won’t wear masks or take the vaccine! ”

“Most assuredly. Please accept apology… And there are 500,000 fewer Americans now than there were 18 months ago, due to a certain—

“—Wait a minute. So that was your virus?!”

“Most assuredly not!” says Xi quickly. “I’ve told you that over and over! I was going to say – due to a certain leader who denied the virus until it was too late and then blamed everyone else. Let’s not China-bash now, Vlad. We’re getting along so well.”

Putin dismounted and put an arm around Xi’s shoulder.

“You’re so right, Xi. Let’s go try that new drink now, Tea and Vodka.”

I am on the phone listening to a female robot’s soothing reassurances: ”Thank you for holding. We value your call. Someone will be with you as soon as possible”. Which she repeats between phrases of soothing music.  

I am sure she means well. She probably has a family, maybe even kids of her own. I wonder if she gets a coffee break. Does she go out with her robot friends for lunch? Is she really as nice as her tone indicates? Is she that way with everyone? Hey! Maybe she likes me! 

Nah.  She doesn’t even know me.  Who am I kidding?

Or maybe she does! Maybe she’s at the end of a computer owned by Amazon or Google that knows everything about me, including my good looks, charm, and personality…!

Then I wake up. It’s 7AM and time to greet the loneliness of a crowded pandemic. 

A friend of mine once asked her husband why he didn’t seem to “give a $#!t” anymore. 

“My ‘give-a-$#!tter’ is broken.” he said.  

Which eventually broke her “give-a-$#!tter”. Now they’re divorced. Fortunately, their “give-a-$#!tters” still work for their kids.

A “give-a-$#!tter”, for those of you who still believe in Superman,  is basically a meter for caring. He didn’t care, so his “give-a-$#!tter” was broken.  

Which pretty much describes this country now. Republicans don’t care about Democrats and vice versa. Rural folks don’t care about city folks. The rich don’t care about the poor. Big companies don’t care about their customers, (although they do “give-a-HUGE-$#!t” about their customers’ data).

It was not always this way. Despite the constant lauding of American individualism today, the early Americans focussed more on community than lore would have it. They had to to survive. Wagon trains were communities. If your “give-a-$#!tter” broke, you were kicked out. And bad things happened to you. Like death.  

Through the years, projects too big for individuals became community efforts, from small towns all the way up to the Federal government. “United we stand; divided we fall” was the idea.

Our “give-a-$#!tters” all worked.

Vestiges of that culture remain here and there: public schools, public water, our highway system.

But as the country grew more successful, western writers and later Hollywood ignored the culture of community and glorified rugged individualism: If you work hard, you succeed; if you don’t, you die… and good riddance. 

Now nearly half of the country considers the notion of a safety net to be socialism, which is just another word for communism. 

Our recent leader, who personifies a broken “give-a-$#!tter,” identified that divide instinctively. And, under his leadership what had been a weak seam joining the two sides, became a huge gap.  Immigrants were denigrated. The pandemic was ignored, killing hundreds of thousands. White Supremacists, once furtive,  came out of their sewers and attacked the Capitol. 

“Now is not the time to debate gun control” says the NRA after Atlanta and Denver and every other mass shooting, followed by genuflecting to the Second Amendment. Imagine the number of lives that would have been saved had the words “muskets” or “cannon” been used in it instead of “arms”. 

Or if the NRA’s “give-a-$#!tter” worked.

Broken “give-a-$#!tters ” are way more common now than, say, during the last national crisis, WWII. Today, even though it takes no effort to wear a mask or stay a few feet apart as a sign of caring about others, many Americans, including government leaders, vehemently refuse.   

Valuing community hasn’t completely disappeared. There isn’t a religion in the world that isn’t based on functioning “give-a-$#!tters”. Sports teams have it. So do families. Even neighborhoods.

But broken “give-a-$#!tters” are trending now. Political leaders used to care about people. Now they care about polls. Businesses used to be “relationship driven”; now they’re “data driven”. You and I don’t matter, data does. Artificial Intelligence does. 

Which can get discouraging. Well, except in my case. Because I know there’s a robot out there, somewhere in my dreams, who really does “give-a-$#tt”.