Russia and China To End Cold War With U.S.

In a joint announcement today, Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin announced an end to their conflicts with the US.

“Da. We were heading toward another ‘Cold War’”, said Putin, “but fortunately never got there due to actions by the US.”

“Most assuredly!”, said Xi. “their recent activities have made this a safer world.”

“We no longer have to plot secret ways to kill Americans,” said a stern Putin, shirtless astride a white horse in the snow-covered tundra. “They are killing themselves.”

“Most sincerely!”, said Xi, in a crisp black suit with matching tie and matching hair. “America is up to one mass killing a week, now. And that doesn’t include all those onesies and twosies in cities and towns across that great land – every day now!”

“Of course, they did take advantage of our technology with AK-47’s”, said Putin.

“And the availability of our cheap AK-47 and other knockoffs”, said Xi with a smile.”America has 400 million guns now, more than it has people!”

“We do not even have to cyber attack their electric grid any more,” offered Putin. “They did it all themselves this winter. I’ve always loved Texans. Yippy Kayoo!” 

He slapped his thigh, causing the horse to rear up and snort. Two body guards quickly pulled XI aside. Neither his hair nor his smile were affected.

“And”, said Xi, “our spies don’t even have to divide and conquer. The Donald has done that for us!”

“Nyet!”, said Putin. “What about our work on Facebook and other social media! Look at all those Americans who won’t wear masks or take the vaccine! ”

“Most assuredly. Please accept apology… And there are 500,000 fewer Americans now than there were 18 months ago, due to a certain—

“—Wait a minute. So that was your virus?!”

“Most assuredly not!” says Xi quickly. “I’ve told you that over and over! I was going to say – due to a certain leader who denied the virus until it was too late and then blamed everyone else. Let’s not China-bash now, Vlad. We’re getting along so well.”

Putin dismounted and put an arm around Xi’s shoulder.

“You’re so right, Xi. Let’s go try that new drink now, Tea and Vodka.”

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