My New Year’s Resolutions

1) From now on I will refuse to tell anyone my kids ages. It’s not that I don’t know them…Ok, once I confused my daughter’s real age with how old the little creep acted, but just…uh…um… twice…

And it’s not that I want anyone to start doing the math and realize how old their ages make me. Nope, it’s just that I want to respect their privacy. Yes, that’s it. I am a very respectful father.

2) I am going to start watching less of the evening news. I’m a Walter Cronkite fan. For those of you too young to know, he simply delivered the news. No “We have sad news to report” (Really? when was the last time you reported something good?)  No, “some of these images may be disturbing!” (hey, any time I see an image of Trump it is disturbing). With Trump gone, what will the networks cover anyway, the latest PS-5 news? 

Besides, I’m sick of all those old-people pharmaceutical ads.

3) I’m going to be nicer to my dog, Buddy. He’s a poodle and, as everyone knows, poodles are very smart. That’s the problem: he is, at times, smarter than me. For example, he’s better at knowing when he needs to poop than I am. When he gives me that look and I wait too long, it’s…well… embarrassing for him. And creates extra work for me. Which stinks. 

So, from now on, I’ll take him out, even if it is during an Eagles game and they actually have a chance… 

4) Next year I’m definitely going to buy Christmas presents for everyone. I had thought I could skip all the expense this year and blame it on Covid, but my kids got so angry! So did my friends… it was weird! Hey, on second thought, maybe I can save money next year, too, and blame it on their unreasonable anger this year.  

5) I’m going to be nicer to my neighbor, Susan, next year. I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided to forgive her for never laughing at my jokes,.. the ones everyone else laughs at, the ones only an idiot wouldn’t get, the ones that send her dogs running in circles and barking in delight! … OK, just forget it Susan!

6) I will apologize for not sending Christmas cards this year… sort of. To be really honest, I didn’t send any because I didn’t get any. Then today, the post office dropped off – I dunno – 20 cards? Ok. I’ll apologize but blame it on Trump’s Post Office.

7) I will stop blaming everything on Trump, which is a bummer. He has been such a blessing. Not matter what I’ve screwed up, it is so easy to blame Trump!  Yelled at the kids? Trump put me in a bad mood. Underpaid my taxes? Trump showed me how. Refuse to pay vendors? Trump’s example. Wow, with him gone, life will be hard!

8) I will continue to wear my mask throughout 2021. Even if Covid  19 disappears. I find it really helps in interpersonal relationships (now my SO can never know how I feel) and in winning poker games (the perfect “poker face”), not to mention robbing people (sometimes I add a wig, just for fun). 

9) I will never, ever complain about having a cold again. In fact, I will welcome colds, flu, hives, pimples, dry eyes, allergies, poison ivy, annoying neighbors –  any ailment that doesn’t have the word “Covid” in it.

10) Wow. These are cool resolutions, don’t you think? Almost as good as last year’s. I might actually follow through this year.  (“might”,… I said “might”… )

(If you like this, pass it on. If you don't, pass it on anyway. Why should you suffer alone?)