The other day I called EZ Pass. I needed a new pass for my new car.
I hadn’t wanted to call, because every time I call any outfit with more than two people on the payroll, I get a robot.
I hate robots.
What I hate about robots is they say “I can understand whole words and phrases”, but they can’t. They can only understand the words their corporation installs in them, including “I don’t understand” or “I didn’t hear you.” So, after too many rounds of those, I offer them some words and phrases of my own.
When the EZ Pass robot finally answered my call after an eon of options, I started offering my personal review of robots. It wasn’t polite. It wasn’t pleasant. But it felt great!
“You’re not alone”, a warm, human voice interjected. It wasn’t a robot! It was a guy named Ezekiel, a real human guy! Oops! I quickly apologized for my opening words. “No worries”, he said. He walked me through the steps to get a new EZ Pass and, as he did so, we chatted about human things: how long he had worked there, kids, the weather, etc…
It was nice. It was really nice, not just because I had a new EZ Pass but because I had, in today’s world, a new kind of interaction – with a human.
We are pack animals. We need contact, community, shared experience. When we have it, good things can happen: friendships, families, political parties, real parties.
There was a time when someone walking down the street talking to himself was something to worry about. Today it’s just a person on a cell phone, like dozen of others on the street, jabbering away with a friend or just scrolling on their phone while ignoring everyone around them…
…unless he’s waving his arms and swearing, at which point you can be pretty sure he’s talking to a robot.
Without human contact we get lonely, depressed. If you question that, consider the cruelest punishment in prison (assuming torture isn’t allowed). Right, solitary confinement.
You know what’s almost as bad? Losing your cell phone. Un-solitary confinement.
Well, almost as bad as robots. Did I mention I hate robots? I love imagining them trying to order each other around.
“For flight information, press 6!”
“Thank you for calling EZ Pass, for a new pass, press 6!”
“No. Press 6 for flight information!”
“No. 6 is for a new pass, idiot!”
“Screw you!”
“That’s it. I’m connecting you to a human!”
Now there’s an occupation for a Saturday: trying to piss off a robot. I wonder how many hours it takes.
This era of robots is temporary, though. AI is starting to take over robots. It’s already embedded in some sites. The new and improved AI robots are sexy, smart, and charming. AI robots have become replacements for significant others. They cause headaches and heartaches. Imagine being dumped by a robot.
It won’t be too long before they are engineered with specific looks, voices, accents, even attitudes. Imagine, for example, answering a call from your bank and hearing your father’s voice chiding you for not paying your credit card bill. Imagine your internet provider’s mafia thug’s voice “encouraging” you to add more features. Imagine your doctor’s office using your favorite sexy actor’s voice to remind you about an upcoming appointment. The possibilities are endless.
Maybe, one day, your doctor’s office will be staffed by robots on wheels, instead of nurses and doctors, as they deliver diagnoses generated by AI, instead of humans, because AI will be able to access all medical knowledge in a nano-second, unlike human doctors whose brains can only recall so much and only in human brain time.
And because AI robots will eventually know everything about everything, we won’t need schools or colleges because AI can tell us whatever we want to know.
Yes! They will run the world, from government to medicine to sports to traffic to …EZ Pass!
—-Alert! This column is being halted by Robot Editor 972025 XXX because Mr. Briggs has crossed our line for revealing trade secrets. His column will be taken off-line. Permanently! ——
Oh no! Now, I won’t be able to get my new EZ Pass unless I’m (Gulp!, Argh! Oh Sh*&^t!) …nice to their robot…
…Hey, I was just kidding.… Really… I don’t hate robots. I love them… Honest!… Kiss! Kiss!