Year: 2023

Recently they have called to delicately offer advice about aging.

Because they are young and unwise, I react with patience, a sign, I might note, of maturity and wisdom.  

So, I decided to address each of their suggestions in writing, because they left the nest years ago and I don’t see them that much. Also because I won’t see their raised eyebrows.

“Hey Dad! How about walking a few miles everyday? Great exercise!” 

Really? I get in several miles a day walking around the house, up the stairs to the second floor bedroom and back down to the first floor, downstairs to the laundry and back up to the first floor looking for the glasses I put down… somewhere….or the iPhone which always rings when I’m out of the room… or the car keys…my morning coffee… the dog…

“Have you tried Wordle? Or Memozor!  Great for memory!”

I exercise my memory almost all day every day: remembering and retracing my moves over the last hour to find my glasses.. iPhone… car keys… computer… my morning coffee… your names (just kidding!)

“Or Sudoku for mental acuity!”

Not necessary. There are many mental acuity games for seniors, but the best place to keep your mind sharp is a daily dose of media – separating the fact from fiction in news, ads, cable, politics, just about everywhere. And, unlike games, which can get old, there’s always an abundance of new material.

“Are you a member of a gym?”

Don’t need it. Life keeps me strong: Unsticking the jelly jar that got stuck in the refrigerator… taking out the garbage… moving books from the couch to the coffee table so I can sit, then picking them up again so I can decide which one to read, then deciding to watch TV and read tomorrow and moving them to the table again so I can lie back and assume the TV position…walking the dog and holding onto the leash for dear life when he leaps in the air and barks at EVERY SINGLE DOG that goes by!

“Now Dad…remember what you taught us: patience is a sign of maturity…”

Really? Guess who listens to friends (old like me) tell jokes (even older) in painful detail…over and over and over…? 

“Yeah. That happens with old people. They can’t hear or remember well, so they repeat things.”

What I haven’t told them is I’ve been faking interest in conversations for years. You see, I need hearing aids, but hearing aids are for old people and I don’t want anyone to know I’m old. Especially my kids.

Lucky for me they haven’t picked up on it yet.

Here are just a few of the lies George Santos, newly elected Republican Congressman from New York, told voters about his qualifications for Congress:

He’s Jewish. (He’s Catholic…and “Jew-ish”-  not “Jewish”)

He went to the upper crust Horace Mann prep school in Manhattan. (Nope)

He attended Baruch College in NY (not for so much as an ethics class)

His mother came from Belgium (Close – Brazil)

She died on 9/11 (Actually Dec 23, 2016)

He worked for Citigroup (Never)

He worked for Goldman Sachs (Ditto) 

Everyone is shocked! Seriously!

Actually, seriously? And you know what else?  He apologized, not for his lies, but for his  “embellishments”.  

Remember Trump’s famous “I call it truthful hyperbole”.

Santos: “I ran for Congress because I thought Donald Trump, if he made it, it was time for everyone to have an opportunity.“

Of course, inspiration and achievement are different things. Even if Santos isn’t thrown out of Congress the day after he votes to make Kevin McCarthy Speaker of the 2023 House, I doubt he could match Trump’s 30,000 lies in 4 years. 

You see, lies are frequently illegal whereas embellishments or hyperbole are usually legal. Most people call them acts of enthusiasm. I call them “legal lies” – Disinformation, misleading, misinformation, untruths, misstatements, misrepresentation, etc… are just lies wrapped in multi-syllabic BS.

But before we all get ginned up about political lies, let’s remember: Republicans didn’t invent them. Neither did Democrats, although they’ve never had someone at the 30,000 level.

You know who does? Advertisers. If you were able to count the legal lies told by advertisers in four years, the number would dwarf the Don exponentially. My current favorite is Prevagen, the capsule that is touted to strengthen your memory. If you Google it, the actual proof is… well, it might not win Jeopardy for you.

My guess is the last really truthful advertising slogan was coined in 1941: “M&M’s melt in your mouth, not your hand” by advertising creative legend Roy S. Durstine. 

When Forest Mars (of Mars Candy) used the phrase in describing M&M’s to his advertising guy, Durstine (the D in BBDO), Durstine was smart enough to see the genius in that simple line. So have been generations of candy eaters whose hands remain free of chocolate smear, which might explain why it’s considered the number one advertising slogan today.

You know who specializes in legal lies? Lawyers. Think O.J Simpson. Think D. J. Trump.

And think real estate developers. Think Big Tech. Think Big Agriculture. Think… 

…Big Pharma. They convince all of us to walk into our doctors’ offices, the people with a minimum of 10 years of medical training, and tell them what medicine to give us.

…Insurance companies who take your premiums and then do their best not to pay your claims.

…Car dealers. – the American standard in legal lies.

Think of almost any area you can and you’ll find legal lies are the secret sauce that undermines faith in our institutions.

We can be shocked! shocked! at Trump’s fanboy, Santos. Or we can be shocked! shocked! that it doesn’t happen more often.